I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
