He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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