fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
