I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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