Yo dont text me then not text me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My life is pants optional.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
