No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
