Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
