I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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