you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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