she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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