This is not my ceiling
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
