the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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