my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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