Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
