Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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