I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
