you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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