she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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