he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm always down for nudity.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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