We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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