Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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