weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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