jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
