3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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