Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
