Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
