Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
