I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The Olympian is in my bed
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
