we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
