Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
