Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
