I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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