when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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