I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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