i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
