You can't special order awesome
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
