I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
