I'm so fucking centered right now
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
