Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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