I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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