so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
