There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
