just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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