Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
