Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Randomize
