don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
