you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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