oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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