I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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