Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
