I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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